You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
