I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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