Someone shit on the floor
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
