he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
