I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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