I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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