My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
