your thong is hanging out like whoa
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
