Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
