I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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