apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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