I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
