evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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