Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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