Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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