you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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