Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
