if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
