Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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