I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
