Got a toothbrush?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
