My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
