And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Your dad touched me again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
