just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
