party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
