Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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