I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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