we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just had sex on a roof
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
