I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
