we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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