I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
As shirtless as possible
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
