you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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