two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
