One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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