Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
