ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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