So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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