I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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