White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
