i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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