Three words: puerto rican gang bang
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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