I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
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how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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