Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
