I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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