They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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