even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Everyone says I win the strip club
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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