OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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