Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
