you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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