You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
