he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
