Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
