I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
