Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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