Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
