K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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